Whenever I think of marriage I think of that Huxtables (although that legacy has been tainted), Uncle Phil & Aunt Viv type of love. I think about total transparency, unrelenting communication, constant growth, and togetherness. I grew up with both of my parents in the home and up until last year I never knew the grit, dirt, and tears their marriage consisted of. I’ve seen them argue and yell at one another, I’ve seen my dad storm out of the house but I never understood why until I got married myself and they began talking me through their struggles and triumphs.
The ugly truth for me is that marriage isn’t at all what I thought it would be. I thought that marriage would be an elevated type of relationship where you’re with your homie/lover/friend tackling life and growing together until death do you part. The fact of the matter is that this stuff is hard work. In order to get to that elevated point in life you have to put the work in. You can’t just up and leave the situation when it isn’t going the way you want it to and no matter how upset you are eventually you have to talk about it. The question is how? How do you adequately express your feelings, your thoughts, your concerns, with someone who isn’t willing to talk back? What do you do with that?
My Ugly truth is that I was nowhere near ready to get married. I was pregnant and made a decision purely off of emotions without taking the time to sit down and think things through logically. There are questions I should have asked myself like “are you ready to fully accept someone else’s flaws with no judgement” and “why are you really doing this”, had I asked myself those basic questions, I probably would not have gotten married so hastily.
But I did and here I am, trying to figure it all out. Do I regret my decision, No. But I understand now that in order to have a marriage that stands the test of time and that can weather the storm it takes work, communication, and a lot of trusting God.
That Aunt Viv & Uncle Phil love is possible. The ability to become like the old black folk we see here and there that have been married 30+ years is possible. You just have to put the work in.
As always thanks for reading!