When I started dating L.J, I was only 8 months out of a three year relationship that was extremely toxic. I’d just left a relationship filled with jealousy, control, and trust issues and not even two months after removing myself from the relationship I went through what I would deem the most traumatic experience of my life. Then I bounced around playing the “dating game”, before finally settling down with L.J. The entire time, I was dating I kept telling myself that “I was working on me” and that “I was getting to know me” but truth is I was trying to fill a void that only God and self love could fill. I remember my mom telling me years ago that before you move onto a new relationship, you need to take however much time you put in your last relationship to be alone. Meaning that if you were with someone for two years, you at least need to take two years by yourself before you move on. Imagine me rolling my eyes and saying “yea okay” when she told me that.
Safe to say, I didn’t heed her advice, and I’ve been dealing with the consequences ever since. That’s not to say that I regret my decision to get married or anything of the sort, I do however wish I’d taken my moms advice and really did the work to make sure I was whole and ready before I took on the responsibility of loving another person with their own issues.
Which is why I am writing this blog for all of you who are single, and maybe wanting to find their person. In order to prepare for you future mate, there are a few things I think you should do first.
Dump the junk
What does “dump the junk” mean? Well I can guarantee you that this phrase is more than a catchy saying, it really has a two-fold meaning. When I say “dump the junk” I mean, I want you to take the time and forgive. Forgiveness is key to becoming whole, trust me I know this first hand. Forgiveness is something I’ve been working through over the last year and am still working through to this day. I remember doing an exercise at one time, where I and a group of whoever was with me was told to write down our hurts on a sheet of paper, take the time to meditate on those hurts, and then set them and the paper ablaze. Does doing this mean that you will automatically forget anyone who has heart you? Probably not. But it’s definitely a start, and an excellent step to take toward healing.
The second key to dumping the junk is letting go of the hurt. Now I’m sure that forgiving sounds like letting go of hurt but I think it’s different. You can forgive someone but still hold onto the hurt, pain, and suffering they or the situation caused you. The goal here is to be emotionally free so that you can see the things clearly.
Love You First
Once you do the work of forgiving everyone else and letting go of the pain, the next step toward becoming whole to prepare for your future mate is to love yourself. Loving yourself is the best thing you could ever do for your relationship. I look at, as “if I don’t love me how can I expect anyone else to”. I think people try to substitute others love for them for self love, which is not a fair trade in the least bit.
If I am dependent on someone else for love and happiness, I’d be completely lost if that love and happiness was taken away from me. I personally don’t want anyone to have that much control over how I feel about myself, which is why I believe that after the love God has for us, self love, is the best love. So love you first.
Know What You Want
The third thing you need to do to prepare for your future mate is know what you want. People waste a lot of time dating around and dealing with behaviors they’d rather not deal with because they don’t know what they want in a person or out of a relationship. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we went into situations knowing exactly what we want to get out of them? No dancing around our feelings to make others comfortable, no ignoring red flags, we just voiced (respectfully) our wants and needs in the relationship and came to a consensus as to whether or not a relationship was possible.
Knowing what you want and setting your standards and expectations is a vital step toward preparing for your future mate.
Don’t rush the process. Trust me I completely understand wanting to be with someone, wanting your person in this world. However, rushing into a relationship and committing so someone simply because you don’t want to be alone is the worse thing anyone could do. Things happen in our life according to God’s perfect plan, so if you’re patient your someone will find you.
Being with someone who was created just for you is a magical experience, because you each compliment each other. However, being unequally yoked isn’t, so pray about it, do the work internally, and be patient.